'diary'

Hello. Another rant is coming in. Ready?

Okay this is not the literal diary like the title suggests. 'Diary' here i refer to life journal that i put on the net for all this while. To actually reflect things back, i have a littttle bit of regret of deleting almost everything i posted online - on all of my social media platforms that i own in the past - be it on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, Askfm, Sarahah, etc etc (with multiple accounts that i used to create back then). Blogger too (i have a few blogs before this one). Quite a number of platforms. 

I think i started to be an active internet user since i was in form 3. It started earlier than that but i can't recall much since i have a very limited access to internet and mayyybe i was too into 'studying', that i don't indulge myself much in internet stuffs. Form 3, i started to own a Facebook account and that starts my so-called-approaching-agenda to a few senior-crush. Kinda stupid thing to do. But yeah, that was me back then. I used to post things a lot on Facebook (every time i was online). Just to seek for someone's reaction and feedback. Lots of funny-immature things - that i already deleted those a few years ago. 

And a few years later when i was 17 (2012), i created a twitter account. Already deleted that one too. Not that an active user, but yeah, i posted things. Fastforward -- i was away from the internet for a quite some time. And being an active user again when i was in college (2013/2014). I have all sorts of social media platforms. And i can say that i was and am influenced a lot by the things i watched and read online. Been consuming things here and there, experiencing life in a different way (you know, from a nerd maahadian to a real-life majmuk situation. lmao) i took everything in, with a not-so-well adaptation. And i think, at this phase of life - i don't really post much online. 

In 2014, i started my degree journey in USM. Still in my adaptation phase, of taking everything in. I still remember, i posted pictures a lot on my Instagram. I don't know, maybe just to show the world that i'm adapting university life well (though i'm not). Typical old me that was trying so hard to fit in. :") However, things drastically changed after i failed my first professional examination (like the first biggest failure ever in my entire life), i started to withdraw myself from social media, generally. I started to see things differently. 

Starting fresh again in my second year of Year 1, i started to create a space that i could voice out my thoughts and my disappointment about life. Early 2016, i created my second Instagram account (@tryingtolivewell) just to post regular reminder to myself or any rants. I did not let my friends know about that account except for a few - a real close ones. 

Approaching the end of 2016 - another big significant thing happened in my life - my father passed away. That was when i started to distance myself away from internet (from the world generally). I have deleted my personal instagram and twitter accounts. Like a real big sharp turn, in my life. From hundred of posts to 'nada'. From thousands of tweets to 0. 

Quite a few months without those, early 2017 - I created Tumblr account which i posted A LOT (still using it till now, but lesser). I put moost of my life journals there. Deleted a lot too, but there are still a lot more remaining. And i might keep the account until my old age, just to compare about my current self to the old-me. I can safely say that writing helps me a lot in coping with things. It's not that i don't trust anyone with my problems, because i still would find someone to talk to sometimes, but i figured, writing gave me joys - in a way nobody would able to provide. 

Later in 2017, I created new accounts again for both Instagram and Twitter. But i put a limit to myself from posting certain things. I rarely posted my own pictures and i like it that way. It is more private. And for twitter, i regularly delete my own tweets when the counting reached a thousand. To put it generally, i do post things online, but selectively and temporarily.

And as of 2020, because i feel like i have spent too much time on screen, i have decided to own a physical diary. Like, it has been a while i did not write a diary, that it feels awkward to write one in a book again. And again, i discovered - that i enjoy writing in a book better, it feels more private and exclusive. Today is the last day in 2020, and i can't believe i still write in my physical diary (because i usually would only hangat hangat tahi ayam haha). I will continue to do so in the future for a more private stuffs, and I will continue to do my diary/rants online too, (especially here) just to record some memory of my way of thinking. So that i would be able to compare my future to the current me now. And that explained why i sort-of regret myself for deleting some of my posts in the past. I should have just keep it as a draft somewhere. But nevertheless, i'm glad for doing that too. At least I don't cling to the past. 

Yeah there's always two sides of something - good and bad. But anyhow, cherish all. That what makes life interesting - to reflect and improving for the better - in whichever way you think is better for your own growth.  

All in all, how crazy 2020 was. But one thing for sure - blessed. We are all blessed in a certain way in 2020. I can't describe it anymore further. That word is enough to explain everything that happened throughout the year. And tomorrow is the first day of 2021. Hopefully things will get better and better. And hopefully this pandemic will be resolved fully soon. 

Let us just hope for the best. 

With that, ends my rant for today. Till later. Adios.

ps: grammatical errors here and there, but im too lazy to squeeze ma little brain to correct that. pls excuse me